I’ve noticed that Bill Mulligan hasn’t been posting with as much frequency around here lately. I’m sure he’ll claim it’s because he’s been busy working on his movies, or swamped with teaching duties, or dealing with family stuff. (more…)

My girlfriend is playing Dungeons & Dragons online right now. I heard another player over Jeannie’s speakers ask, “Are we gonna sweet-talk this guy or are we gonna kill his ass?”

Really, so much in life comes down to that simple dichotomy, doesn’t it?

You may ponder this while I go to bed to try to shake off a head-cold.

I was watching the boob tube this morning and saw a commercial for Cinderella III: A Twist in Time.

Cinderalla III????

I swear I’d no idea they’d even made Cinderella II!!! That’s nuts!!! (more…)

I have discovered the Rosetta Stone for deciphering the meaning behind the words of U.S. President George W. Bush. So, without further ado, here are some quotes from his most recent State of the Union address — and the real meaning behind them: (more…)

My naym iz Kay Tee. I am a kat. Az yoo noe, I got owt uv the howse last week and got lokked owt. I kept a jurnul of my advenchur and I thawt I’d shayr it wif yoo. (more…)

Well, Peter David’s blog is as of the time of this posting. Some people might blame technical difficulties. Not me. I blame my good friend Bill Mulligan. (more…)

Hy. My naym iz Kay Tee. I am a kat. Bill iz 1 uv the hyoominz that I own.

Bill rote a storee kalled The Vikturree Streek. If yoo hav not seen it yoo ken reed it heer, but I dont think yoo shood. Bill iz not talintid and hiz storee iz dum and stoopit bekuz it has no kats in it.

I desided too help Bill by riting a bettur storee for him: (more…)

 

(For those with the distressing tendency to take everything at face value: the following piece is satire, and not a real news story, OK? And it’s definitely not for the easily offended. You have been warned.)Bill Myers Creations has received a complete transcript of the verbal exchanges between Mel Gibson and Los Angeles County Sheriff Deputy James Mee during Mee’s arrest of Gibson on July 28, 2006:

Deputy Mee (approaching vehicle): Mr. Gibson, do you know why I pulled you over?Gibson: HEY! Wha’ th’ fuck? Whadd’re doin’, pullin’ me over? D’you know who I am?

Deputy Mee: Yes. You’re Mel Gibson.

Gibson: I’M MEL GIBSON, YOU ASSHOLE!

Deputy Mee: I know. I’ll need to see your license and registration.

Gibson: Why? Don’t y’know who I am?

Deputy Mee: We’ve been over this already. License and registration, please.

(Gibson reaches into glove compartment for registration and back pocket for wallet. Hands both to Officer Mee.)

Gibson: Y’know what? Fucking Jews cause all the wars in the world. And I’m bringin’ that up b’cause y’look like a goddam Jew. Are you a goddam Jew?

Deputy Mee: Mr. Gibson, how many drinks have you had tonight?

Gibson: Fuckin’ assloads, man! But don’t change th’ subject? Are you a Jew?

Deputy Mee: That’s none of your concern, Mr. Gibson.

Gibson: Oh, bullshit! It is SO my concern! It is the concern of ev’ry decent Christian who duzint like how dirty Jews control the gov’ment and the media ‘n’ ev’rything!

Deputy Mee: The Jews control the media?

Gibson: Yeah! So they c’n send us subliminal messages to bend over an’ let Israel give it to us up th’ butt an’ take out high-interest loans an’ drink Manischewitz and eat gefilte fish til it’s comin’ outta ev’ry orifice we got!

Deputy Mee: Through movies like “The Passion of the Christ?”

Gibson: Yeah, through movies like… HEY! Don’t play no dirty Jew mind-games wi’ me!

Deputy Mee: Please get out of the car, Mr. Gibson, and keep your hands where I can see them.

Gibson (getting out of car): Y’gonna kill me th’way you guys killed Jeezis Christ?

Deputy Mee: No, but I do need to give you a sobriety test.

Gibson: You sonsabitches killed my fuckin’ savior, man! I oughtta kick you in the Matzoh balls!

Deputy Mee: That would be a terrible idea. I’m armed. Now extend both of your arms at a ninety-degree angle to your body.

Gibson (extending arms): Like this?

Deputy Mee: That’s right.

Gibson (putting arms down): YOU CHRIST-KILLER! Yer tryin’ t’croosify me like y’croosified Jeezis!

Deputy Mee: No, I’m trying to assess how intoxicated you are.

Gibson: Really? And who are YOU t’judge ME? Jeezis is my personal savior, man! Whadda YOU got?

Deputy Mee: As I recall, Jesus was a Jew.

Gibson: That doesn’t COUNT! Jeezis converted t’Christianity!

Deputy Mee: Mr. Gibson, I’m going to have to arrest you for driving under the influence. If you don’t calm down, I’ll have to add resisting arrest to the charges.

Gibson (looking up): Jeezis, come down here and save me, man!

Deputy Mee (sighing, pulling out handcuffs): Mr. Gibson, you have the right to remain silent…

Gibson (still looking up): HEY, JEEZIS! Y’gonna let this fuckin’ JEW arrest ME? Get down here and save me!

Deputy Mee: If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…

Gibson: Jeezis! Wha’th’fuck, man? You gonna leave me hangin’ out t’dry? I MADE you, man! You were NOTHIN’ ’til I made a movie about you! You OWE me your CAREER! Now get down here or I swear you’ll never work in this town again!

Deputy Mee: You have the right to an attorney…

Gibson (sobbing): NO!… I DON’ WANNA BE CIRCUMSISED AGAIN…!

Now, let the healing begin!