Some of My Best Friends Are Just Nuts
I received the following e-mail last night from one Mr. Jerry Chandler:
The Sad Blog: A story of Neglect, Shame & Restraining Orders
Have you seen this child’s parent?
http://www.billmyerscreations.com/blog/
This poor child says that he hasn’t seen his daddy in over a week.
“Daddy used to love me,” sniffed the poor, dejected blog. “He would clean me up, update me or even create new threads at least every couple of days. Now… I have no idea where my daddy is.”
Child Blog Welfare was contacted in an attempt to locate this blogs father. The results were… mixed.
“Well,” said spokeswoman Jenny Haniver, ” there is some evidence that this blog’s father isn’t totally delinquent. We did see some evidence of care in the last week or so where some unsightly spam posts were removed, but we’ve seen little else then that. I mean… This kind of negligent parentage just boils my blood. Look, if people won’t shoulder the responsibility of raising a tender, vulnerable blog from childhood to adulthood… Well, they should have thought of that before they got all gung ho without the proper thought or protection.”
We spoke to the blog about this and asked how it felt.
“I don’t know,” whimpered the blog. “All I know is that daddy doesn’t love me like he used to. I don’t know what I did wrong. I’ve spent so many nights crying myself to sleep wondering what I did to make daddy stop loving me.”
We tried to reach one Mr. Bill Myers for comment on this story. After being threatened with a restraining order from author Bill Myers (54, writer of My Life as a Stupendously Stomped Soccer Star amongst other works) and a rather horrendous encounter with a knife wielding looney with an albino William Shatner mask and who wasn’t even named Bill… We hired a better research assistant.
When we finally reached Bill Myers (37, sweeper upper of kitty litter) for comment, well, it was just pathetic.
“Look,” whined Mr. Myers, “I’ve been busy. I had things to do. Besides, blogging is strenuous stuff. My eyes get sore, my fingers get cramped and my butt starts to go numb. I mean, I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger. Good gosh oh golly, I’m not even an Arnold Drummond. It’s just so tough!”
One of our crack field researchers, U. K. Piltdown, then presented Mr. Myers with damning evidence of internet activity on two other blogs.
“No comment,” was Mr. Myers only terse statement before repeated attempts were made at slamming the door on my foot, breaking several bones.
DNA (Database Nerd Analysis) ruled out the wilder speculations of Mr. Myers having sired illegitimate blogs while neglecting his own. Still, the care and attention to other blogs while neglecting his own child blog was damning enough to warrant further comments from http://www.billmyerscreations.com/blog/ itself.
“I had no idea that daddy was spending his time elsewhere when he could have been with me,” responded the nearly suicidal blog. “It just makes it hurt all the more that he spent time with them while saying that he was unable to blog at all. I feel so angry and betrayed.”
These comments were shared with Mr. Myers through his attorney. We then, after realizing that we had used the contact information for the other Bill Myers again, emailed the correct Bill Myers with the comments. Mr. Myers responded with an email containing a link to the website of one Chris Crocker.
The website contained a video that had the following message:
“Leave Bill Myers alone, you Bastards!!!! He’s only a human being!!!! What do you want from him?!?!?”
At this point, our investigation had to stop. My legal issues from breaking the other Bill Myers’ restraining order have become too monumental and poor Piltdown shot himself after he said that Chris Crocker was really hot in a weird way and was then informed that Crocker is in fact a guy.
Besides, there’s only so far you can drag out a lame joke spawned of boredom and a numb brain before the recipients come after you with pitchforks and torches.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:08 am
Mr. Meyers, Mr. Meyers, Chet Ubetcha from Flocks News–(where geese and sheep get their information–actually, anyone who can be plural without adding an “s”) What of the rumor that your cat has been holding you hostage. trussed up with duct tape, whilst demanding like some feline Dr. Evil, total control of the world, a kitty-to-English spellchecker, and (unlike Dr. Evil(I HOPE!!)) a large bag of Meow Mix on a silver platter? And what of the rumors that Piltdown was taken as Patdown and general oddness occurred? We’ve also heard that a slightly undead man and an oversized Celt have been seen lurking with high power firearms in your shrubbery. Does this have anything to do with you neglect of this adorable blog? And finally, in regards to that OTHER Meyers, no, the one with the knife–would you care to play SPOT THE LOONEY?
(Yeah, I know I’m just proving the point of the thread, but it keeps me off the street.)
September 24th, 2007 at 11:48 am
Actually, I assumed he was kidnapped by the squirrels, and I was waiting to hear their demands. (10,000,000 in nuts, non sequential numbers).
September 24th, 2007 at 4:22 pm
Bonus points for anybody who can tell me “who” the spokeswoman is without using a search engine.
I’ll just treat it as a given that you know Piltdown.
“And finally, in regards to that OTHER Meyers, no, the one with the knife–would you care to play SPOT THE LOONEY?”
Like that would be any fun. He’ll just stand there pointing at himself and giggling all morning.
September 25th, 2007 at 6:55 am
Ah, Jenny. Jenny Jenny Jenny…we had such a good relationship, that is until the RAYS of our love DRIED UP like the leather of an old saddle.
And no, I didn’t use a search engine. I do all my information finding on a search horse. One of the advantages to working at a racetrack.
September 25th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Correct!!! Jenny is in fact Sean’s ex-girlfriend. And they would still be a couple today if only Sean hadn’t taken her on that vacation to Sea World.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:05 pm
Or bought that bottle of moisturizer. Tal about faux pas–I faux passed out! No, really! Gotta miss her dry wit, though.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Forgot the k. Not unlike Steven Wright’s phone and calendar. Sorry.
September 25th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
and, Jerry, if you’re talking to Piltdown, tell him I WANT MY ICEBREAKER BACK AND HE STILL OWES ME FOR THE WATER STAINS ON MY CARPET!!
September 25th, 2007 at 9:55 pm
He says you can have you f*ing icebreaker back when you pry it from his cold, dead fingers.
September 26th, 2007 at 7:20 am
I theenk Bill haz bin watching zombee porn. He haz not bin playeen with me.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
B karfil, Kaytee, he may b trying to lurn hou to tern kats nto zombees. Nuthing wurs than zombee kats.
September 26th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Odd that messages keep popping up from a cat I haven’t had for three years.
Anyway, back to the icepick. Piltdown is in for some smackdown unless I get my icepick back, and he better not leave any fingers on it!
Oh, wait, I meant, fingerprints. I think.
September 27th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
He’s ready for you, Sean. He’s even got a buddy coming down from Silver Lake, Wyoming County, New York to back him up. And let me tell you, that dude is a monster.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
Oh, that’s a garter snake with a hyperactive thyroid and delusions of grandeur. I think it’s name is Mike, BTW. Maybe I’ll kill it, skin it, scoop out the insides of it’s head and present it to it’s mother as a vase, all the while turning it’s hide into–(wait for it) garter belts. And if Piltdown thinks he has to bring backup, he’s obviously heard of the Serious Scullion Smackdown. Two swords, a few daggers, a disappearing lip, and enough ‘tude to make BA Baraccus think twice. Piltdown’s not much of a threat, anyway. He’s such a freakin’ fraud. Unless he brings the Orange Fuzzy Thing that lives in Levittown or the guy from Boggy Creek, I have nothing to worry about.
September 30th, 2007 at 6:37 am
“Unless he brings the Orange Fuzzy Thing that lives in Levittown…”
You want him to bring Bill O’Reilly???
September 30th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Wrong Levittown. Sorry, context error. My old gaming group was once in a camper which began being rocked from the outside, they looked out the window and apparently saw something not unlike Gossamer running away. I wasn’t there, I didn’t see it, and with the exception of my ex-girlfriend, I trust them. Now, according to a couple sites, Pennsylvania has the second highest reporting rate of hominid cryptids in the country. Who knew? Oh, and they were playing in Levittown. Although, that O’Reilly thing just makes me wanna vomit. I have this bad habit of assuming that all my friends know all the stories, even the ones that took place years before I met them. Sorry, guys.
September 30th, 2007 at 5:21 pm
Speaking of cryptids–is Dave’s Spam Karma, the one talked about below, is that some kind of odd creature that breaks into Pythonian songs occasionally?
September 30th, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Okay, having read this entire thread just now, I am convinced that the thread title is incorrect. Some of my best friends aren’t simply “nuts.” They are full-bore, all-out, balls-to-the-wall PSYCHOTIC.
And Sean… I simply don’t like spam. I don’t give a shit what the Vikings think.
October 1st, 2007 at 11:38 am
“Now, according to a couple sites, Pennsylvania has the second highest reporting rate of hominid cryptids in the country. Who knew?”
I can believe it. Our K-9 officer is from there and we’re all pretty sure that he’s from the first generation of his family to walk upright. Hell, that smelly little bastard is the only person I’ve ever met who’s hairier them I am. Robin Williams is a bald body next to this guy.
Hell, depending on how long ago it was, it could have been him rocking the trailer.
October 1st, 2007 at 7:01 pm
They are full-bore, all-out, balls-to-the-wall PSYCHOTIC.
Well, at least you appreciate our hard work, Bill.
Jerry, about this k-9 officer, is he the human or dog part of the team? Could tell you a lot, man. And this happened in 1988. You know, in case they ever make a trivia game out of my life.
October 1st, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Yeah, he’s the human half. And that date would have made him 17 or 18 years old so it could have been him. Was there porn in the camper? He’s a major porn nut. If your friends had some, he may have sensed it and come after it in a fit of… Uhhhh… urge induced rage before shambling off in search of an more easily obtainable stash.
And, sadly, this is one of my best friends.
October 2nd, 2007 at 7:39 am
No porn, but there was my girlfriend, who liked to write pornish stuff. Not to be confused with Cornish, mind you. And it turns out she was easily obtainable, come to think of it.
October 3rd, 2007 at 8:33 am
You should try a pornish hen, I’ve heard it tates very good. pornish jokes are also funny.
October 3rd, 2007 at 10:39 am
Nah, no thanks, Micha. For one thing, the pornish game hen was too tough, hard to chew, and for being a game hen it wasn’t much fun and there was no prize in the middle to be one. As for the pornish jokes, the ones that DON’T Taste good are better.
Thing that bothers me, though, is Jerry’s friend being a major porn nut. Either that’s an army officer I’ve never heard of or there’s something redundant in that description.
October 3rd, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Ok, how about “desperate porn fanatic” instead? we all love the guy to death, but I could tell you things, by email rather then blog as they have NO PLACE on a polite blog (or this one for that matter) site, that would scare you to death. Either that or give you inspiration for the strangest character you’d ever write.
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:08 pm
“enthusiastic connoseur of erotica”
October 3rd, 2007 at 6:11 pm
“One sick puppy that should really wash his hands first”
October 4th, 2007 at 9:21 am
“an avid hands on student of human sexual behavior”
October 4th, 2007 at 9:41 am
“Someone you’d never want to shake hands with…” OR–”an avid hands on student of individual human sexual behavior”
October 4th, 2007 at 9:54 am
Oh, and Bill has inadvertantly revealed his great weakness. It’s not the cats, it’s not Mickey Trollboy, it’s not any of those things. You wanna know what the Meyersian Kryptonite is? Spam. You carry a Spam sandwich and it’s like how Bela Lugosi’s been reacting to crucifixes for 75 years. You add even one Viking and it’s a slam dunk. Now, it has to be the real Spam, can just be the component parts in their unassembled, nasty original form. The Weird Meat Faeries will come and bless the concoction only if it’s in that weird meat can, and Meyers will COWER! COWER, I TELL YOU! No, not that guy from Pittsburg!
November 16th, 2007 at 7:08 pm
I know that you’ll delete the spam link post, but I have to say that, considering the thread they picked, …
“I couldn’t understand some parts of this article, but it sounds interesting”
… is the most appropriately worded spam post I’ve ever seen.
November 17th, 2007 at 6:49 am
Folks, Jerry is referring to a spam post that would have been #31 in this thread, except that I deleted it. And Jerry is right: that post was dead on, even though only by accident.
December 20th, 2007 at 1:54 am
I think someone still has to take care of children. Though our Welfare system is not perfect - I’m sure that there are people who are not indifferent.
December 20th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Patricia, I think you might be reading a bit too much into this thread. It’s just a collection of light-hearted jokes about me letting my blog go for a few weeks. The whole “Child Blog Welfare” riff was just something wacky that Jerry cooked up to bust my chops.
Child welfare is a serious and complex issue. I oughtta know — my girlfriend works for Child Protective Services. It’s worthy of serious discussion, and people are free to discuss it in this thread if they want. But please don’t read anything deep into posts 1 through 32. The only thing that’s deep there is our B.S.
December 20th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
Pointing out yet again we shoulda given more thought about initials when we were naming Brian.