I have discovered the Rosetta Stone for deciphering the meaning behind the words of U.S. President George W. Bush. So, without further ado, here are some quotes from his most recent State of the Union address — and the real meaning behind them:

WHAT BUSH SAID: Thank you very much. And tonight, I have a high privilege and distinct honor of my own — as the first President to begin the State of the Union message with these words: Madam Speaker.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Bitch!

WHAT BUSH SAID: Two members of the House and Senate are not with us tonight, and we pray for the recovery and speedy return of Senator Tim Johnson and Congressman Charlie Norwood.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Last night I called Pat Robertson and told him to ask God to whack those two.

WHAT BUSH SAID: Some in this chamber are new to the House and the Senate — and I congratulate the Democrat majority.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: I hope you Democrats all die in a pile of your own shit.

WHAT BUSH SAID: This economy is on the move, and our job is to keep it that way, not with more government, but with more enterprise.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Our economy is on the move, all right. It’s movin’ to China, India, and anywhere else y’all can get cheap Coolie labor.

WHAT BUSH SAID: First, we must balance the federal budget.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: It’s the least y’all could do. After all, I went to the trouble of unbalancing it for you.

WHAT BUSH SAID: In 2005 alone, the number of earmarks grew to over 13,000 and totaled nearly $18 billion. Even worse, over 90 percent of earmarks never make it to the floor of the House and Senate — they are dropped into committee reports that are not even part of the bill that arrives on my desk. You didn’t vote them into law. I didn’t sign them into law. Yet, they’re treated as if they have the force of law.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: What do you mean that sounds like the way I use my signing statements to alter laws??? That’s totally different! What do you mean, “how?” It just IS!!!

WHAT BUSH SAID: With enough good sense and goodwill, you and I can fix Medicare and Medicaid — and save Social Security.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: I wonder if anyone realizes just how much I’m talkin’ out my ass tonight?

WHAT BUSH SAID: Five years ago, we rose above partisan differences to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, preserving local control, raising standards, and holding those schools accountable for results.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: We passed No Child Left Behind! So how the hell did we leave all these damn kids behind? It’s like “Home Alone” times a million!!!

WHAT BUSH SAID: A future of hope and opportunity requires that all our citizens have affordable and available health care.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: We’re good and screwed.

WHAT BUSH SAID: Extending hope and opportunity in our country requires an immigration system worthy of America — with laws that are fair and borders that are secure.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Stay home you goddamn wetbacks!!!!!!

WHAT BUSH SAID: For too long our nation has been dependent on foreign oil.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Fuck wildlife refuges and national parks and shit! If Jed Clampett could strike oil, so can we!

WHAT BUSH SAID: We have a shared obligation to ensure that the federal courts have enough judges to hear those cases and deliver timely rulings.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Anyone who says otherwise is gonna rot in Guantanamo!

WHAT BUSH SAID: As President, I have a duty to nominate qualified men and women to vacancies on the federal bench.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Unfortunately, I suck at that.

WHAT BUSH SAID: Our success in [the war on terror] is often measured by the things that did not happen.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Like finding WMDs in Iraq. That did not happen. Well, I said they were hidin’ ‘em, didn’t I? So if we didn’t find none, then that PROVES they were hidden!

WHAT BUSH SAID: What every terrorist fears most is human freedom — societies where men and women make their own choices, answer to their own conscience, and live by their hopes instead of their resentments.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Well, with shit like the Patriot Act and readin’ your mail and stuff, I aim to make sure THIS country won’t give terrorists any reason t’be afraid no more!

WHAT BUSH SAID: In the last two years, we’ve seen the desire for liberty in the broader Middle East — and we have been sobered by the enemy’s fierce reaction.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Sober. I been sober too damn long. I need a drink. Or some crystal meth. One or t’other.

WHAT BUSH SAID: A thinking enemy watched all of these scenes, adjusted their tactics, and in 2006 they struck back.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Thinkin’ just isn’t my field.

WHAT BUSH SAID: We didn’t drive al Qaeda out of their safe haven in Afghanistan only to let them set up a new safe haven in a free Iraq.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: Oh, wait, we kinda did. Shit!

WHAT BUSH SAID: My fellow citizens, our military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options. We discussed every possible approach.

WHAT BUSH MEANT: I really wasn’t payin’ much attention. I’d sniffed too much model airplane glue before the meetings.

WHAT BUSH SAID: And whatever you voted for, you did not vote for failure [in Iraq].

WHAT BUSH MEANT: I gave you failure at no extra charge. Yer welcome.