Okay, dig this: my lovely girlfriend, Jeannie, and I have been considering getting new cell phones, because the ones we have are cheap and starting to crap out. Jeannie received a notice from Cingular that we “may” be eligible for an upgrade, even though our contract has not yet expired. Jeannie e-mailed Cingular customer service to ask them to provide a more definitive answer about our eligibility for an upgrade, and this is the response she received:

Dear Cingular Customer,

Thank you for taking the time to e-mail Cingular Wireless regarding upgrade eligibility. I am happy to help you with your inquiry.

It states you may be eligible to upgrade during that time because, requirements can change as well as when before the upgrade can be processed accounts have to be current and may not have had more than three cancellations and/or suspensions due to non-payment. We apologize for any inconvenience this has caused.

I am always here to assist you. I encourage you to visit us at www.cingular.com often to view your monthly account statements, make payments and shop for new products and services. I greatly appreciate the opportunity to serve you.

Please let me know if I can assist you in any other way, and thank you for choosing Cingular Wireless.

I am tempted to yell, “Brain and brain, what is brain?!?!”

(By the way, Jeannie asked me to emphasize that our account has ALWAYS been current because she is a fanatic about maintaining excellent credit.)