(For those with the distressing tendency to take everything at face value: the following piece is satire, and not a real news story, OK? And it’s definitely not for the easily offended. You have been warned.)Bill Myers Creations has received a complete transcript of the verbal exchanges between Mel Gibson and Los Angeles County Sheriff Deputy James Mee during Mee’s arrest of Gibson on July 28, 2006:

Los Angeles Sheriff’s Department
Law Enforcement Incident Report
Incident Type: DUI/anti-semitic pottie-talk
Officer Responding: Deputy James Mee
Date of Incident: 28 July 2006
Time: 0230 hrs.

Deputy Mee (approaching vehicle): Mr. Gibson, do you know why I pulled you over?

Deputy Mee (approaching vehicle): Mr. Gibson, do you know why I pulled you over?Gibson: HEY! Wha’ th’ fuck? Whadd’re doin’, pullin’ me over? D’you know who I am?

Deputy Mee: Yes. You’re Mel Gibson.

Gibson: I’M MEL GIBSON, YOU ASSHOLE!

Deputy Mee: I know. I’ll need to see your license and registration.

Gibson: Why? Don’t y’know who I am?

Deputy Mee: We’ve been over this already. License and registration, please.

(Gibson reaches into glove compartment for registration and back pocket for wallet. Hands both to Officer Mee.)

Gibson: Y’know what? Fucking Jews cause all the wars in the world. And I’m bringin’ that up b’cause y’look like a goddam Jew. Are you a goddam Jew?

Deputy Mee: Mr. Gibson, how many drinks have you had tonight?

Gibson: Fuckin’ assloads, man! But don’t change th’ subject? Are you a Jew?

Deputy Mee: That’s none of your concern, Mr. Gibson.

Gibson: Oh, bullshit! It is SO my concern! It is the concern of ev’ry decent Christian who duzint like how dirty Jews control the gov’ment and the media ‘n’ ev’rything!

Deputy Mee: The Jews control the media?

Gibson: Yeah! So they c’n send us subliminal messages to bend over an’ let Israel give it to us up th’ butt an’ take out high-interest loans an’ drink Manischewitz and eat gefilte fish til it’s comin’ outta ev’ry orifice we got!

Deputy Mee: Through movies like “The Passion of the Christ?”

Gibson: Yeah, through movies like… HEY! Don’t play no dirty Jew mind-games wi’ me!

Deputy Mee: Please get out of the car, Mr. Gibson, and keep your hands where I can see them.

Gibson (getting out of car): Y’gonna kill me th’way you guys killed Jeezis Christ?

Deputy Mee: No, but I do need to give you a sobriety test.

Gibson: You sonsabitches killed my fuckin’ savior, man! I oughtta kick you in the Matzoh balls!

Deputy Mee: That would be a terrible idea. I’m armed. Now extend both of your arms at a ninety-degree angle to your body.

Gibson (extending arms): Like this?

Deputy Mee: That’s right.

Gibson (putting arms down): YOU CHRIST-KILLER! Yer tryin’ t’croosify me like y’croosified Jeezis!

Deputy Mee: No, I’m trying to assess how intoxicated you are.

Gibson: Really? And who are YOU t’judge ME? Jeezis is my personal savior, man! Whadda YOU got?

Deputy Mee: As I recall, Jesus was a Jew.

Gibson: That doesn’t COUNT! Jeezis converted t’Christianity!

Deputy Mee: Mr. Gibson, I’m going to have to arrest you for driving under the influence. If you don’t calm down, I’ll have to add resisting arrest to the charges.

Gibson (looking up): Jeezis, come down here and save me, man!

Deputy Mee (sighing, pulling out handcuffs): Mr. Gibson, you have the right to remain silent…

Gibson (still looking up): HEY, JEEZIS! Y’gonna let this fuckin’ JEW arrest ME? Get down here and save me!

Deputy Mee: If you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law…

Gibson: Jeezis! Wha’th’fuck, man? You gonna leave me hangin’ out t’dry? I MADE you, man! You were NOTHIN’ ’til I made a movie about you! You OWE me your CAREER! Now get down here or I swear you’ll never work in this town again!

Deputy Mee: You have the right to an attorney…

Gibson (sobbing): NO!… I DON’ WANNA BE CIRCUMSISED AGAIN…!

Now, let the healing begin!